The Ocean

The night you faced the sea frightened me more than anything in my life.

You stood and screamed as though you had no fear of the life leaving your lungs. Words dribbled intermittently from salt-encrusted lips, but for the most part, all I could hear was the fight of your voice against the waves.

It was as though you were throwing a challenge into an immovable opponent. You waded in, further and further, the slowness of the action contrasting the urgency in your eyes. Water crashed against your chest as though it was trying to stop your heart from the outside, but you would not be denied.

I called for you to come back, futilely, voice sounding quiet even inside of my throat. I knew that I would be drowned out by the roaring waves and the distant thunder, but I continued to call out to you. It felt as though I was lighting a candle and placing it amongst a sky full of stars, but I did not know what else to do.

Maybe one day, after I’ve learned how to swim the depths of your ocean, I could do more than call out to you from the shore.

The Clouds and the Sky

How the clouds and the skies move independent of one another.

In the distance, the horizon disappears, swallowed by the sea.

I sit, head back to drink in the entire world, and think of you by my side. When will the day come when you and I walk together beneath trees that sway with each breath that the oceans take? When will we explore empty nights, naming each star after the beauty marks upon the other’s skin?

I cannot fathom days like this without you, but you are the clouds and I am the sky.

Resurrected

If I could start all over with the knowledge I now hold, I would dedicate my entire life to pursuing you, for I know that before me you were, and after me you will be, and so there is only you. Yet I fear that I will still falter; that like a lost lamb, I will go astray. How I scoffed at your disciples as they closed their eyes in your presence; how I scorned the teachers who failed to recognise you. And yet I now understand, sympathetic to the unending plight that each man faces.

This, then, is the reason I fast. With great resolve and even greater desire for you, I seek to rid my life of the clutter, to banish forever the temptations that call out to me from all corners of my flesh. Never again will I fill my lungs with obstinate smoke; instead I will quench the fires that have burned all throughout my waking days with the tears you shed for me throughout eternity. I can start again, for you have resurrected me – you have given me a new life to dedicate to pursuing you, for there is only you and there will only ever be you.

Sojourn

Deep within my heart, a cry was lost – in the forest of my life, it disappeared. The everlasting light that resided within me accompanied this cry into the night and my empty heart could not weep.

I lit my lantern and entered the depths after my cry, but could only follow echoes. Running after every sound, I was met with only disappointment and dead ends. The rising earth and trees wrapped in shadows tracked my every movement, and eventually, I became lost too.

Yet, I could not lift a cry to be saved.

Hangman

On the sixth floor, I paused momentarily to catch my breath. The adrenaline had just about worn off, and the gravity of the situation had begun to dawn upon me. The elevator was not working at all, and the only way in or out was the fire exit from which I had just come.

The staircase. I looked back to see if any of them had followed me up. I slowly began to creep backwards without taking my eyes off the doorway leading out. It seemed safe for the time being, but who knew when -

I froze in place. I had backed into something fleshy – the unmistakable, putrid scent let me know that my life was at its mercy. I turned around slowly and faced a giant of a man.

Something was amiss. I stared at him, waiting for him to tear me apart, but realised that the feet were not quite touching the office floor. I stole a glance upward, noting how the neck was bent at an awkward angle, and my eyes dwelled momentarily on the tongue lolling out of the man’s wretched mouth, then moved past the eyes set forever forward, devoid of the despair that had no doubt forced the act – devoid, in fact, of any recognisable emotion.

My own eyes stopped finally on the rope around his neck. My sigh of relief came automatically.

I began looking over him again to see if there was anything I could use to defend myself with. There was, of course, nothing in his hands, and although I briefly considered checking his pockets, I decided against it. I looked him in the eyes again.

Strange. He peered back at me.

Squinting, I leaned a bit closer. I could have sworn that he had not been looking at me before. It was like those paintings where –

The man’s eyes rolled before settling back on me. I stumbled backwards, yelping unnaturally. My legs seemed to disappear from under my body, and I broke my fall with my hands.

A low guttural sound came from the man’s ruined throat, and his hands came up to the noose. The man’s flesh, looking more like old rags, tightened as long-dead muscle began to work again.

I stared in stupefied fear, unable to stand. The man pulled at the rope with both hands, gurgling horribly with each tug. His arms seemed to gain more strength with every move that he made. I stood back up finally, eyes trained upon the gruesome spectacle before me.

All at once, part of the rope disintegrated and the man hit the ground with a thud. The bones in his legs cracked, suddenly having to support dead weight that had come to life again. The piece of rope still around his neck trailed behind him like a horrific leash, unable to hold back the creature it was supposed to control.

His jaws worked up and down almost automatically and his tongue was immediately severed by his teeth. It fell to the ground with a sickening sound, like fresh meat being put on to a butcher’s table. His eyes rolled wildly as he slowly began to advance upon me. The rotten odour suddenly hit me like a punch to the stomach, and I gagged as I backed towards the staircase.

The realisation struck me again – I could only escape higher into the building, and there was no way out of this Hell…

Laura’s Water

Do you remember the night that you tried to hold me in your arms, but I just melted to water? You could have sucked me up through a straw or turned me into wine, but all you did was make it rain until I grew.

As a stream I trickled away, discovering everything far from your all-encompassing touch. The world felt so clear, but you showed me how shallow it all was with my next transformation.

When I became a river, I felt as though I could shape the earth around me. Twisting through it all, I dodged everything I didn’t know while still taking pieces with me. The world felt so small, but you showed me how deep it was because the rain never stopped.

I knew I was treacherous as an ocean, and I knew that I had seen it all. At the core, it all became silent. The running stopped. The world felt so old, but you showed me new things in the past – why not now?

The rain is finally gone, but it all feels so dry. Have you stopped the storm, or have you abandoned me altogether?

The Holiday

“Had an odd dream last night.”

He looks at me incredulously, then looks down at his watch.

“You brought me out here at 4:30 in the morning to tell me that you had a bad dream?”

“Not a bad dream. An odd one. And I called you out here to tell you about it, not to inform you that I had one.”

He looks incredibly unhappy, and I can’t decide whether it’s because I woke him up, or if it’s because I corrected him.

“Well, amidst all of the other stuff that happened –“

“Wait. If you’re going to get me out here this early in the morning, the story better be worth it. Tell the whole thing,” he says, still grumpy.

“The whole thing?”

“The whole thing.”

“All of the details?”

“I’m going to kill you.”

I smile, wondering if this is irony.

“It was during some sort of holiday or something, and we were all there. Everyone was happy, just having fun. You know – holiday stuff. We saw lots of different friends, lots of different girls… but yeah. Everything changed in an instant, as things tend to do in dreams.

We got trapped in some little room or something, and we were all arguing about how to get out. We all fought over it and came up with different plans, and I thought I had a winner, but in the end, you took charge and got us out.”

“Sounds like me,” he says, a little less unhappy.

“Anyway, you got us out of there, and everyone was congratulating you and thanking you.”

I pause, not for effect or anything, but to gather my thoughts. I look at him, and I can tell he’s interested.

“There was a moment where you and my ex had a bit of contact, and I think perhaps I read a bit deeply into it.”

“Sounds like you,” he says, snorting.

“So I followed you after it was all over. Any semblance of the party atmosphere was gone. No more celebrating, no more booze.

I kept following you until we were in some secluded area, and then I made my move.”

I had been watching him the entire time, and had seen his expression transform from unhappiness, to intrigue, and now he looks a bit worried.

“I turned you around and surprised you with a punch to the face. You stumbled backwards like some drunk and I caught you sweetly in the nose. The blood that started pouring at that point just really pushed me over the edge.

You screamed, ‘Why are you doing this?’ as I continued my assault. I just smiled and you stopped fighting back. Eventually, I had you down on your knees, and I finished you off.”

He stares at me, and I can sense that his mouth has gone dry. He pauses, trying to figure things out.

“Why did you tell me this?” he asks after a moment.

I pause, not for effect or due to thought, but to allow him some more time to figure it out himself.

I see the realisation upon his face moments later.

“Because sometimes, dreams do come true.”

19.02.08

To you, whoever you are (now),

You were once the sun from which I had to shield my eyes. Now you are the reality that I must force myself to face. Still, like the sun, you are there, ominously hovering, distant and ever-present. But I must force myself to look directly at you.

You were once the virgin child stealing away from unhappiness into the dead of night. You were once the song I so cherished. Now you are the very night that swallowed you whole. Now you are the silence that envelopes me still.

You were the thousands of burns my battered body sustained while trying to withstand the fire. The heat from your gaze melted away my imperfect flesh, but now all I have are these scars to remind me of my mistakes.

Never would have been too soon if you had told me before that the start of my emancipation would mean the end of my previous life. But resurrection in this place so far away, revival for me as someone so different has taught me that I must never doubt, and I must never regret.

Blurry Eyes

Indistinct shapes, disembodied voices.

With no faces upon their vessels, they’re as insignificant as I believe them to be. With no discernible features, life is so much simpler. It’s not exactly a new revelation in any way, but it seems to be a hidden truth nonetheless.

Is this perhaps the way God intended it to be when He created us? Or perhaps it’s a message crafted solely for me, His arrogant and forever troubled child. A message reminding me that life need not be as difficult as my “fixed” vision would have me believe.

Rarely do I ever spend much time without my glasses on or contacts in. Perhaps I should spend an entire day without them. I would be crippled and liberated, like a broken inmate tasting freedom, and not knowing what to do with it.

But perhaps I have to unfocus to focus.

22.11.07

I see people looking for rebound flings and I see people looking to hurt each other. I look to my left and see people who don’t want to change. I look to my right and see the people who want to change, but never will. All around me are broken people. If I’m painting a bleak picture, it’s because this world gave me bleak colours.

In the church the choir is singing but the words are effortless. Their voices disappear into ears before reaching the sky.

…But no one is listening anyway.